It might come as a surprise to you, but not everyone loves the interstate highway system. I, for one, am sick to death of your consistently bad behavior and poor performance.
First off, I hate your fast-moving lanes and the fact that not a single driver is able to pick a lane and stick with it — I’d think they’d all know everyone is eventually going to get to their destination regardless of whether they stick with one lane or zip in and out of all four.
Second, I hate the way you and your fellow highways try to intersect with each other. Getting off you and entering I-435 can be a real challenge, but merging onto I-635 can get a person killed. I’ve often wondered what the highway engineers were drinking the day those exchanges were designed.
Another thing about you that no one is crazy about are your potholes and patch jobs. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you don’t insist on a better grade of asphalt or concrete from the get-go. You’d last longer, look better and possibly not constantly be covered in orange barrels and construction workers.
Which brings me to another thing I hate about you, I-35: I hate the way some of your lanes are closed down on the weekends so you can get a little boo-boo repair or a complete facelift.
Your construction seems to go on forever, especially when the road is closed for 10 miles, but the workers are only working on a one-mile stretch.
I hate your traffic jams; it matters not if a wreck has happened up ahead or there’s a car with an epic bumper sticker everyone slows down to read. Most of the drivers you take for a ride are oblivious rubber-neckers who probably don’t even know what day it is, let alone the dangerous conditions they are causing.
In fact, that makes them a lot like you, since you seem to care little about the frustrations you heap upon the people who travel you every day. You are especially hateful when you run through a city; perhaps if you were a little slower, a little gentler and kinder ...
Not a day goes by when I travel on you that I don’t see multiple things that need to be called in to 911: a speed freak that fantasizes about being a NASCAR driver, a broken down vehicle, roadkill blocking one lane, a serious case of road rage, a road hog, a road gamer who speeds up when a car tries to pass and then slows down when the passing lane is filled with traffic, the tailgaters and the white-knuckle drivers who shouldn’t be allowed to drive the interstate highways. You obviously bring out the worst in all of us.
I know you have an exceedingly high opinion of yourself and couldn’t care less what I think of you, but I suspect the day will come when you won’t be nearly so full of yourself.
Mark my word, things change all the time and one of these days a fancy new bypass will come along and take all of your traffic away, and you’ll be king of the road no more.
It couldn’t happen to a nicer highway.
Linda Brown is marketing director for The Ottawa Herald. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org