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2009-11-21

2009-11-18

2009-11-05

Agriculture

Lifestyles

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:00 PM

MCFARLAND: Want a healthy marriage?

By REBECCA MCFARLAND, Reaching Out

Many of you may have caught the Hollywood blockbuster, “Couples Retreat” in recent weeks. My husband and I attempted to see it on a date night, but it was sold out.

However, I’ve recently read an article from the California Healthy Marriages Coalition about the movie. The Coalition’s Vice President, Patty Howell states, “Since everyone’s flawed, we all bring imperfections to the relationship. It’s fun to see these depicted in film and I’m happy the filmmakers showed couples staying together through the tough times. What’s sorely missing is seeing a realistic pathway to success. America has a big need for this information.”

Whether dealing with stresses of everyday life, infidelity or a variety of unmet expectations in their marriage, the film depicts couples struggling with real-life situations. But, it doesn’t offer realistic means for mending these imperfect relationships. Relationship experts agree that the foundation for a successful marriage is skillful communication.

It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step toward good communication that will lead to effective conflict management.

Here are some ground rules for communicating your message:

• Pick the right time: While there is no perfect time to raise a difficult issue, some times are more appropriate than others. Try to pick a time when you and your spouse are free of other distractions.

• How you start is how you’ll finish: The way in which the speaker raises an issue often is a big predictor of how the discussion will go. If you begin the conversation in a harsh way by attacking or blaming your partner, you are likely to have an angry discussion.

• Speak for yourself: Stick to talking about how you, the speaker, feels. Also, describe the issue at hand for you, rather than stating what you may assume, think or observe to be the problem with your spouse.

• Be short and to the point: Try to tackle one issue at a time. Keep your point specific to issues, observations or feelings and raise only those things happening currently. Do not include negative comments that attack the other.

• It’s not safe to assume: You might think the other person should know what you’re thinking and feeling because they know you. Making assumptions is dangerous in any type of communication. It’s up to you to tell the listener what you feel, or how you observe a situation.

• Stop, pause, listen: After you have done your best to follow the speaker rules to get your message across, be sure to let the listener paraphrase or summarize what you have said. The only way to know your listener accurately received your message is to pause and give the listener a chance to respond back to you. This response should not include their opinion about what you’ve said. They should simply re-state, in their own words, what you just shared.

• Move on: Once you are sure your message was understood, you can choose your next option. If you are communicating a conflict, use the rules to develop a solution based on common ground, or things you can agree upon in the situation. You may be able to resolve an issue by simply discussing it, or you may “agree to disagree.” If you identify a conflict that needs to be resolved, schedule a time to discuss it using the above skills. This doesn’t necessarily mean you fix the conflict, only that you both agree on ways you can live with the conflict.

Learning any new skill and incorporating these rules may seem silly or unnatural at first. The key is to stick to it and incorporate the techniques into your communication. Even practice the skills when things are going well in your relationship so you’ll be prepared when attempting to use the rules during a conflict.

Rebecca McFarland is the family and consumer sciences agent with the Franklin County Extension Office.

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MCFARLAND: Want a healthy marriage?

By REBECCA MCFARLAND, Reaching Out

E-mail this story to a friend | Print this article | Enjoy the convenience of home delivery of The Ottawa Herald.

E-mail this story to a friend | Print this article |
Enjoy the convenience of home delivery of The Ottawa Herald.